Cousin Carl/Transcript
Helen Jensen: It's unjust, it's unfair, and I demand restitution. Brent Leroy: Well, Mrs. Jensen, I can't be giving you your money back every time you rent a bad movie. Do you have any idea how many bad movies are out there? Helen: Well, this store has certainly gone downhill. Brent: You're aware that we don't actually produce any of these, right? Helen: Your father always kept the customer in mind. What ever happened to customer service? Have you ever, personally, heard the phrase, "The customer is always right"? This place is just going to hell in a handbasket... Brent: Is this my happy place? Angel #2: Yes. I'm the angel of good times and no hassles. Angel #1: And I'm the angel of readily available food and refreshment. Brent: Ooh. What have I done to deserve this? Angel #1: Don't talk silly. Your pudding bath is ready. Helen: With him, the customer was always number one. Oscar always treated people with great respect. Oscar Leroy: Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wing nut and pump my gas. Brent: Well, he's a people person. Wanda Dollard: Hey, Lacey, mind if I put this up in your window? Lacey Burrows: Talent show? What's that about? Brent: How can I describe it? It's a thing where, uh, people show their, what do you call it, talent. Lacey: I have a handle on the concept, you goof. Yeah, I'll put this up. Let me know if there's anything else I can do. Wanda: Done. You can be the judge. Lacey: Oh, no. I don't think I could do that. I'm not decisive enough. Wanda: Sure ya are. Lacey: Yeah? Wanda: Yeah. Lacey: Okay. Maybe I am. I'll do it, I, I think. Wanda: Now I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny, bright colours, red, green, flashing lights. Brent: So, old Christmas decorations? Wanda: Yeah. Brent: Fine. You deck the halls, but I'm not donning any gay apparel. Wanda: Okay. Brent: Can I get the bill, if you're not mentally exhausted from wrestling with the TV times crossword puzzle? Lacey: I love this. It makes me feel brilliant. Blank Dream of Jeannie, one letter. Wish me luck. Brent: A Dream of Jeannie, you Dream of Jeannie. Carl Vaughn: Hello, Dog River. I'm back. Lacey: Who's that? Brent (dream): Hi, everybody. I'm a big, loud-mouthed jerk. Brent: That's my cousin Carl. Emma Leroy: I'm going out to get plant food Oscar. Do you need anything? Oscar: Why are you getting plant food for? Emma: Because my tomatoes are pathetic and wrinkling. And when things are pathetic and wrinkly, they need food. Eat your sandwich. Oscar: What'd you got to waste money on a whole new box for? We got plant food in the basement. I'll get it for ya. Emma: You can't find anything down there. Oscar: Just watch me. There, told ya. Emma: What's that? Oscar: Empties. Emma: Where's my plant food? Oscar: you need plant food, go buy some. I'm gonna take these back and get my deposit. Emma: Well, could you pick me up some plant food? Carl: Anyway, I'm lovin' England. You'll never guess who I met last week. Brent: King Arthur? Pitt the Elder? Carl: Sting, Sting. He was in my laundry room in the condo I live in. Huh? Sting, he does his own laundry. Brent: Carl's lucky enough to rub shoulders with the rich and famous. But we're the real lucky ones because we get to hear about it. Carl: I'm sorry, I must have left my manners on British Airways. I'm Carl Vaughn. Lacey: Lacey Burrows. So what brings you back to Dog River? Brent: British Airways, apparently. Carl: Oh, I'm headin' to Vancouver. My company opened a branch office, so I'm on a scouting mission. Brent: Good for them. Carl: It's no big deal. Brent: No, good they sent you away. Carl: Hank! Hank Yarbo: Hey! Carl: Come here, ya daffy mope! Lacey: Brent, what's with all the insults? Brent: What? Lacey: Every time he opens his mouth, you shut him down. You put "jerk" into the phrase "Being a jerk to Brent's cousin Carl." Brent: Oh, I don't know. He's one of those guys who pushes my buttons, you know, walking around in that suit like he's...who's that guy in the suit? Lacey: The Man from Glad? Brent: Sure. He just, he grinds my gears, is all. Lacey: Try and be civil. I haven't had a fist fight in here for three days. Brent: You're right, I'll try. Watch me be nice. Carl: There you go. Hank: It's Carl. Hey Carl, I'm gonna do my magic act in the talent show. You gonna stick around for that? Brent: Yes, please stay, Carl, if you can tear yourself away from Sting. Not that Sting's gonna be at the talent show. It's good to see ya, Carl. Lacey: Nice niceness. Carl: Yeah, I'll be there. Hank: All right. Carl: Anyways, take a look at this. Huh? Hank: Ooh, hey, snazzy watch. You want me to get that fixed for ya or somethin'? Carl: Nah. It's yours, pal. Hank: Aw, thanks. Carl: Come on, Hanky, come on. Who wants the watch? Hey, doggy, doggy, doggy, doggy! Good boy. Hank: Now you're my best friend. Lacey: Now kiss me. Mmm-mmm. Lacey: That's a nice gift, hey, Brent? Brent: Oh, wow, a trinket. A quality trinket. What? It's nice. Excuse me, I have gas stuff. Carl: Look here, buddy. Hey? It tells the time anywhere in the world. You want to know the time in England? It's seven hours ahead, so you look at that, it's 10:00 in England. Hank: Ho-ho-ho! Carl: Amazing, isn't it? Hank: How cool is that? Carl: Hey, a round of coffees on me, huh? I'll see ya later. Lacey: See ya. Hank: Wait a minute. You can turn any watch ahead seven hours. Carl: What's up, Brent, hey? You took off like a scalded cat. Brent: Nice image. Carl: Still workin' for the old man, huh? Brent: No. As a matter of fact, I own the place now. Carl: Well, yay. Look, Brent, I know I haven't kept in touch like I used to. Brent: Well, don't sweat it all right? Things change. Carl: This is Dog River. Things stay the same. The peanuts in the vending machine have been around since I was in high school. Look Brent, I can't help but feel that there's some jealousy here, that, you know, somehow my success has, well, made you feel emasculated. Brent: That's not it at all. Emasculated means...? Carl: Like you're not a man. Brent: That's not it at all. Carl: Look, the feelings you're having, they're normal. Jung once said that we all had a nemesis, an opposite, a surrogate... Brent: Angels? Hello? Hey, how are the chili dogs comin'? Carl: Sorry, buddy, We finished 'em off. Angel #1: We like him, because he knows what emasculated means. Angel #2: Oh, Carl, that suit makes you look as sexy as "The Man from Glad." Carl: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Let's laugh at Brent. Carl: Brent? Brent? Hey, pay attention, huh? Brent: Don't make fun of my peanuts. Emma: Brent, do you have any plant food? Oh, Carl! Carl: Aunt Emma. Emma: I heard you were in town. Give us a hug. You here long? Carl: I think I'm leaving sooner than I thought. Emma: Nonsense. You're coming for dinner. Roast pork, mashed potatoes. Brent, you be there too. And ask Lacey to join us. And don't forget the plant food. Carl: You think we can have one pleasant meal with your Mom without you getting all weird and defensive? Brent: I'm not weird and defensive. Carl: Right. See ya at 5:00. Brent: What's that supposed to mean? Wes Humboldt: Hey, Oscar. What can I do you for, liquor or insurance? Oscar: Neither. I'm droppin' off. Wes: What's this? Oscar: A birthday cake! What's it look like? It's a case of empties. A buck twenty. Wes: Stubby Heidelbergs? Oscar: Stubby who? Wes: I can't take these back. They don't even use these anymore. Oscar: I bought 'em here, I'll return 'em here. Wes: They don't use them anymore. They're no good to me. Oscar: Well, maybe my business is no good to ya. Ever think of that? Wes: Maybe you could sell them on eBay. Oscar: They're not gonna take them at the Bay! Wes: Sorry, Oscar, there's nothing I can do. Oscar: Listen here Wes, if you want to ruin a 20 year business relationship, that's your business. My business is to...your business...my business is your business! I'll never set foot in this dive again! Wes: What if you need insurance? Brent: The guy says I'm not a man. I'm not emasculated, I just don't like Carl. Emma: Why on earth not? Brent: I don't know. I just don't like the guy. There's no reason. It's just like everything he does drives me crazy, okay? Do I have to be friends with everybody? Emma: Well, Carl Jung says we all have a shadow figure, a, a kind of nemesis. In fact, I actually found mine. Brent: What did you do? Emma: I married him. Brent: Carl. He tries to be folksy and then talks about British Airways. Real folksy, your highness. Emma: It's just an airline, Brent. Although one you could never afford to fly on. Brent: Emasculated. I'm not emasculated. He's emasculated. A big, soft city wimp now. I'm more of a man than he is. Emma: Here's your tapioca. How's your headache? Brent: Real bad. Davis Quinton: Come on, be in the talent show. I'll be the ventriloquist and you can be my puppet. It'll be fun. I don't know why you don't you want to do this. Karen Pelly: Because it's not dignified. Police officers need to be respected by the community. Davis: Who told you that? Oscar: Hey! Got your gun? Karen: Uh, I think so. Oscar: Good. I need you to arrest somebody. Davis: What happened? Oscar: Wes Humbolt down at the liquor store won't give me a buck twenty for 12 pack of empties. Says they're no good just because they're old. A really nice way to treat a senior. Karen: Oscar, we can't arrest him for that. Oscar: You can't or you won't? I bought those bottles in good faith. I bring them in, I just want a buck twenty. Wes won't take them. I'm a senior! Davis: Oh, hey! I was just talkin' to Wes and, uh, he asked me to give you this money. And he said he was sorry. Oscar: It'll take more than this to get back my business. A formal apology is in order! Karen: Nice police work. Davis: Will you be my puppet in the talent show? Karen: No. Davis: Fine. I'll get a sock. Carl: Those potatoes were dynamite, Aunt Emma, just like I remember. Brent: What? They don't have potatoes in England? Lacey: What are those, Emma, some pictures? Emma: Yeah. Brent and Carl when they were in school. Brent: Oh Ma, don't. That's humiliating. I've got feathered hair, I look like a fat Sean Cassidy. Lacey: What were you guys on the Gong Show or something? Carl: No, that's Sheckle and Jekyll, our comedy routine. Remember that, Brent? Emma: You two were so funny doing that. As a matter of fact... Brent: No Ma, we don't want to do the act now. Emma: I wasn't going to say that. I think the two of you should do it at the talent show on Saturday night. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: Ah. Well, that's much worse. Emma: Oh, don't be such a baby. What are ya, emasculated? Brent: I'm not. I just, it wouldn't be fair to the other performers, is all. It wouldn't be fair. Carl: Well, I'm game. Lacey: Oh come on Brent. Stop being such a no fun Freddy. Brent: Fine, then. We'll do the act. Emma: Yeah. Brent: No fun Freddy? Oscar: Here it is, the maiden batch of Oscar-Brau. This is a pilsner. I followed the instructions and let it sit all afternoon. Lacey: I left Toronto to get away from the pollution. Brent: Geez, dad, did ya mix this in a Skidoo boot or a crow's nest? Oscar: Ah, ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer. Carl: Not the Belgium I've been to. Brent: I suppose you've been to the good Belgium. Emma: Brent. Lacey: You know what? I can't. I'm driving. Brent: Honest to God Dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon. Oscar: I know it's a little different, but I got no choice. Wes won't give me my deposit. Too stubby. Bottles are bottles. I only want a buck twenty. I'm a senior! Brent: That reminds me, Dad. I was talking to Wes earlier and, uh, he's changed his mind. Oscar: What? Brent: He wants bygones to be bygones. Oscar: Okay. Emma: There, Oscar, you got your way. Now you can dump that swill. Oscar: I got my pride. Until I get a formal apology, the Oscar-Brau factory is in full operation. So, bottoms up. Brent: So, what'd ya think? Oscar: Bottoms up. Ugh! Brent: Aw, did you have to use the scary Santa? That thing gives me the heebie jojeebies. Wanda: What? It's festive. Brent: Yeah, the same way human sacrifice is considered festive in some cultures. Hank: Hey, what's goin' on? This doesn't look like pottery class. Brent: What do mean? It's the talent show. Hank: Talent show? But it, it's, that, that's not till the 12th. Brent: Yeah. And today's only the 12th. Hank: No, that watch Carl gave me, it says, it says, it's the 11th? Huh? Brent: Hmm. Well, maybe it's the 11th in England. Oscar: I say to Wes, bottles are bottles. What kind of a place are you runnin'? I'm a senior. Waitress: That reminds me. Wes wanted me to give you the buck twenty. Says he wants to forget about the whole thing. Oscar: Thank you. Wanda: Hello and welcome, everyone, to the 17th annual Dog River talent show. Brought to you by Chuck Dragner's Pre-Owned Farm Equipment. Stand up, Chuck. If you can't trust the Chuck you're talking to, you're talking to the wrong guy named Chuck. Geez, Chuck, you've got to come out with a better slogan. Anyways, first up. Davis: Hey, Constable Blondie. What do you call a blonde police officer sitting in a Volkswagen? Uh, far from thinking? Far from thinking. How many blonde rookies does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. I'm stupid. Hank: I think he's making fun of you. Fitzy: Could I get a type of animal, please? Any type of animal. Oscar: Dog! Fitzy: All right, a dog. Voila! Karen: Hello, I'm Sergeant Davis. I like to eat donuts. Brent: We're Sheckle and Jekyll. I'm Murray Sheckle. Carl: And I'm Dr. Jekyll. Brent: I'm a Catskills comedian. Carl: And I'm a brilliant scientist with an evil demon lurking within. All right, you name any element from the periodic table. Brent: Hmm. How about boron? Carl: Boron. 10.81. Brent: No, no, Jekyll. You know how you get when you drink that stuff. Brent: Now it's time to go we hope you liked our show. Carl: If the London cops get me, I'll be put on death row. Brent: We're Sheckle and Jekyll... Carl: And Hyde! Emma: Yes! Lacey: Pretty slick, Emma. Emma: What's that? Lacey: Oh, come on. You knew if you got them to do their act, they'd patch things up. Emma: Either that or they'd have duked it out. Either way it would have been entertaining. Oscar: So he wouldn't give me the money for the empties. Thank you. Wanda: Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the magical, mystical magic of the great Hank-Olio! Hank: Thank you. Uh, before I start, I just wanted to say that, well, I got the day wrong, so I'm, I'm not, I'm not quite ready. But the show must go on. Now these rings are steel, or, or chrome or, uh, you know, any kinda shiny metal. Sir, can you verify that these rings are indeed unbreakable, if, if they were here? Carl: Hey, look, everybody. It's the great Describo. Hank: Now, there is nothing up my sleeves. Carl: You don't have any sleeves, Hank. Emma: Carl, give the guy a break. Carl: Come on, this guy's worse than Davis. Emma: I thought Davis was hilarious. Davis: Thanks, Emma. Emma: Not you, Davis, the puppet Davis. You kinda sucked. Hank: It would have looked like, uh, the rings were together and, and then I pulled them apart. And it, and it, it would have looked really, uh, really cool. Tah dah! Thank you. Wanda: And, now, here to announce tonight's winner is our judge. Lacey Burrows, everyone! Lacey: Hi. Well, it was really close, so hard for me to pick one winner. They were all so, uh well, let's just get right to it. The winner of the 17th annual Dog River talent competition is "The Mystifying Hank-Olio." Hank Yarbo, everybody! Carl: Hank? What do ya mean, Hank?! He didn't even have an act! I shoulda won! You yokels wouldn't know a good thing if you saw it! Ooh! Hick town! I never shoulda come here. Emma: That was uncalled for. Brent: Oh, I don't know. Carl: Hank? What the hell ya talkin' about? I'm a big loud-mouthed jerk. Brent's really funny. He should have won. He carried me. Brent's a great guy! Brent: He does make a point. Emma: I don't know how we all missed it, but Carl is kind of a dink. Brent: Well, I've always had a very sensitive dink meter. Lacey: I wish I hadn't heard that. Brent: You wish? Emma: It was nice of you, Lacey, letting Hank win. Lacey: Letting him win? I didn't let him win. Hank was legitimately the most entertaining act here. You guys were lame. I had you behind the balloon guy. Wanda: Well, that's it for tonight's show, everybody. But, before we go, if anybody has $1.20 for Oscar to shut up about the bottle thing, he's in the corner. Oscar: I'm a senior! Emma: Well, what the...? Helen: What is this? "The Last Action Hero." How can you rent this when you don't even carry "The First Action Hero?" Angel #1: More dogs, boys? Brent: Yes, please. You? Man from Glad: Mmm, don't mind if I do, thank you. You know, Brent, I really thought you deserved to win that talent show. Brent: Well, thanks for saying that, Man from Glad. But it's better that Hank won. That suit makes you look really good, by the way. Man from Glad: The suit doesn't make me look good. I make the suit look good. Category:Transcripts